You Can't Go Home Again

The House I Grew Up In

Every time I heard this phrase growing up, I never understood what it meant. I'd think "Of course you can. Just go. If it's still there, of course you can go home again." But now that I've lived away from home (permanently, only visiting for a few days at a time while living out of suitcases) for 8 years, and having recently made my first trip home in 3 years, I know exactly what that phrase means.

You can't go home again. I mean, you can physically visit, but the places, people, experiences will be different because you are different. 'You' have changed; 'Home' has changed. Two changed things coming together again means that things won't be the same. That's what the phrase is about.... That you can never go back to what it was like when that place was actually your home.

Sure, it's great to see family, friends, places, and events that you haven't experienced in awhile, but it won't feel the same. It somehow feels new while feeling old at the same time. Almost like Deja Vu! It feels "perhaps imagined." It feels sad and happy and lonely and overwhelming and nostalgic and might make you want to move back home just as much as wish you could be home again.... In your current home. Where you'll go back to when vacation is over.

I recently went back to WI for the first time in nearly 3 years (2 years, 10 months to be exact), and I felt recharged going there. I had thoughts of how wonderful it was when I was there. But then, inevitably, you start to remember all the reasons you left 'home' in the first place. (If you left home, that is. If not, this doesn't apply to you.) I was left missing more than my own bed. I was missing my friends, my dog, my car, my towels, my neighbors, my computer, my church, my everything. And I realized that I didn't quite fit back there. I mean, everyone was wonderful about my entire trip--my visits with people were as good as I could have hoped for, but then I realize that they've all moved on, and it's my time to do the same. Back to my home. Which is currently in Dallas, TX.

I do plan on making the journey back to WI every other summer, though, because it's important to me that Austin know where his Momma's from, even if we don't live there. I want him to know my cousins, his cousins, (great-)grandparents, and his great aunts/uncles. It's important to me that he know he's part Cheesehead. Even if he was born (and currently is being raised in) Lonestar country. And, I want him to know what it's like for me when I go home again.

Austin doing a little modeling of his new Cheesehead we bought him!