Pregnancy Comments: Helpful vs. Not Helpful

I've had more pregnancy comments than should fill anyone's lifetime. (I got them last pregnancy too, so I'm somewhat combining the two.) I'm writing this post to help people understand the difference between Helpful and Not Helpful comments. It seems these things should be obvious, but given the frequency with which I hear (and heard) rude things, I figured I might as well do a little "Reflecting" (or, as my friend Sarah calls it: "Ranting") about it here. (And if I'm being honest with y'all, I'm really just ranting to get these off my chest and looking for some sympathy.)


Let's start with the less pleasant category: 

NOT HELPFUL

1) Last pregnancy, at about 5 months, I went to get fitted for a bra. (It had been a really long time, and things had changed a lot and I needed something that fit those changes.) I went to a very popular store, which had always been my bra store of choice (until this incident, that is), and had the following conversation with the lady fitting me:

Lady: So, when are you due?
Me: October. (Those who know me best can understand the period at the end of my one-word sentence. For everyone else, it's my way of telling you that I would like the conversation to be finished.)
Lady: OH! It must be twins, then!
Me: No. Not twins.
Lady: Are you sure? I mean, have they checked!?
Me: Yes, they've checked! I'm just fat, I guess. (said while looking her square in the face)
~~~silence~~~
I buy the bra and leave.


2) For weeks following the accident, I was unable to go grocery shopping by myself because the pain in my chest was so strong. I literally could not even imagine hefting things into the cart (Austin included) and then into/out of the car. So, we began making a family event out of grocery shopping, spending one night a week, post-dinner at the grocery store. I was grabbing one last thing and meeting Seth at the checkout when the following conversation took place with the checkout lady:

(Upon seeing me walk up to the cart and begin talking to Austin--I had set the item down on the belt and walked right past her to the end of the line/bagging area to talk to Austin and reconnect with Seth. I had not even made eye contact with this woman when she began the following conversation.)

Lady: You're pregnant!?!? ~pause~ AGAIN!?!? (I kid you not that this is how she said it!)
Me: Um, (looking down at the belly) yup! (Looking immediately back to Austin and getting so up-in-his face that I felt it pretty darn obvious I was closing the conversation. And Seth, my dear sweet husband, went into overdrive with bagging the groceries. It was a holy-cow-I'd-better-get-us-out-of-here-quick grocery bagging if I've ever seen one!)
Lady: Do you know what you're having? 
Seth (because I'm still trying to ignore her and he's trying to smooth the waves and get us the heck out of there): Boy.
Lady: Oh man! I'm so sorry. You must be SO disappointed that you're having another boy!
(meanwhile Seth is bagging the heck out of the groceries)
Me: Just reason to try for 3, I guess! (as I give her a bit of a glare)
(he pays, we load up the last bag and we leave, walking about as fast as possible, cutting off further conversation)

When we get outside, I notice Seth's refusing to make eye contact. I laugh and ask him why. He pauses before saying he thought I was upset. With HIM! I probably said some cuss word about the checkout lady but followed it with that I wasn't the least upset by him, but couldn't believe the nerve of that lady. A checkout lady whom I don't even remember seeing/using before in my entire life just implied that I should not be pregnant again this quickly and that having two sons is somehow a bad thing! Unbelievable.


3) I don't have a great story to go along with these other Not Helpful things, but I figured a general list couldn't hurt:
"You're HUGE." --because I didn't already know that!? Who is carrying this belly around... You or Me?
"You must be almost done, huh!?" --just because I'm big doesn't mean the baby is due any minute. People have said this from like month 5 and always feel like idiots when I tell them a due date so far away. At least, I hope they feel like idiots. They should.
"Must gonna be a big baby!" --Austin was under 7 lbs, so the likelihood of this being some record-setting sized baby is highly unlikely. I'm. Just. Big. Get over it!


4) This happened yesterday at the clinic where Austin's pediatrician is, and my PCP, etc. I am sitting in the waiting room, minding my own business, trying to entertain a sick toddler when this lady walks by and has the following conversation "with" me:

Lady: Whew! When are you due?
Me: (I pointedly look at my belly before responding) 10-11-12. (Again with the period.)
Lady: My goodness! I mean, I came around the corner and saw you and was like HOLY COW!!
Me: (I laugh. AT her. But she doesn't seem to get that. Conversation over.)

Why the heck someone would think that saying that would be helpful/kind/polite/soothing/something is BEYOND me. I don't get it. Keep your lips shut, ladies and gentlemen. But, having written that just now, I realize I've never once had anything rude said to me by a guy. Always ladies! Hmmmm...


Onto the better category: 

HELPFUL

1) So I'm in the clinic yesterday with Austin (who just has a cold and then got a flu shot while we were there), and he's running from the room like a caged animal. I mean, they have door handles that are like levers that you pull down on, and he's quickly figured this one out and takes off running before I can even take a step his direction (this belly is seriously getting in the way of my toddler chasing!). Anyways, so he's done this a number of times, when he goes running down the hall, around a corner and straight toward his Dr. (We were seeing the PA as his doctor didn't have Same Day Availability when I called to make the appointment.) I was like 30 feet behind him.

I come waddling around the corner and Dr. McColm (bless his heart!) has the following exchange with us:

Dr: Oh! I thought I recognized that kiddo.
Me: Sorry, he's just too fast for me right now (apologizing for why my toddler was running the halls with, previous-to-my-turning-the-corner apparently, no supervision)
Dr: No worries! When's The Date, again?
Me: 10-11-12... We'll be seeing a lot of you in October! (And then I sigh out of pure exhaustion.)
Dr: Well, You Can Do It! (It was like a You've Got This! statement. It felt SO good. ~and then~) Come here, Austin. (picks him up from where he's rolling around on the floor, under the countertop and has since dropped his flavored tongue depressor that he loves... he just SCOOPS him up. Dr. McColm is pretty much, from what I've gathered, Seth's age. And about his build, so it was like nothing to him to scoop him up for me. And then he tosses the old tongue depressor in the garbage and gives him a new one.) Here's a new flavor stick for you. You be nice to your Momma, now, ok!? (He hands him back to me and we part ways. I'm chocking back tears as I carry Austin back to the room, where we have to wait for the flu shot.)

I'm crying as I'm writing/reading this because the kindness in his gesture is overwhelming. I mean, I'm sitting here, 24 hours later, sobbing at my computer because of a passing remark and gesture (the physically picking Austin up part) that his Dr. made! Literally sobbing. His this-will-end-soon/you-can-do-this/i-have-faith-in-you attitude/comment was so uplifting, I could barely contain myself. (And yes, pregnancy hormones ARE in full effect, but I'm a crier anyways, so I doubt it can be solely blamed on those.)

And then I'm thinking about all the schmucks who've seen me struggle with belly and toddler (and purse or purchases or car keys or door or whatever) and made some jerky comment about how huge I am or how ready I must be or how it certainly must gonna be a big baby. Dude. Comments like those are SO Not Helpful. That and the fact that you are literally not helping me at that moment makes me want to punch you in the face. Or something.


2) A friend of mine called me completely out of the blue one day and we had the following conversation:

Friend: Hey. Are you home?
Me: Yes...
Friend: Good, because I just accidentally bought too many Sprinkles cupcakes and was wondering if I could bring you one.
Me: Um, do these said cupcakes involve chocolate?
Friend: Yes...
Me: Then Yes, I'd be happy to take one off your hands!
Friend: Good, because I just exited Forest. Be there in a minute!

The best part of this story is that I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that day and she had no idea. I mean, she hadn't known I was having a bad day until she showed up at my door with a cupcake and I started venting. She didn't do it because she knew that day was worse than most, she did it because she's just that awesome! I LOVE friends like that! And she didn't stay long (her baby was asleep in her car)--we just chatted on the porch for a minute and she was off again. While standing there, I tell her that it was awesome of her and that it couldn't have happened on any better day because that day sucked, etc. And she goes on to tell me that she remembered having one of those during pregnancy and that it all began because she "... realized it was November. Nothing important about November, I just realized it was November and couldn't stop crying." So knowing that my crying because each and every little thing seemed to go wrong for me that day wasn't completely ridiculous and I wasn't alone in experiencing things like that was so uplifting.


3) I can't remember the details about the following comments either, but there's been a few (VERY few) times when people have said something like the following:
"Oh, I carried big with each of my pregnancies too. Don't let people get you down about it."
"It ends. I promise it ends." 
"He'll be out soon."
"You look great!"
Or even just done generally-nice things like getting the door for me or grab Austin as he goes tearing off down the aisle/street/sidewalk/etc. Kind and helpful comments as well as kind and helpful gestures seriously can make or break my day at this point.


Anyways, rant over. Most people reading this wouldn't think to make any of those Not Helpful comments--to me or anyone else. But please, I beg you, think through what you're about to say before you say it--with pregnant ladies and with anyone! Plus, if you see a lady struggling with a toddler and a belly, consider helping her with the door/cart/something or simply offering a smile. It DOES make a difference, I promise!