It seems like people feel it's ok to question someone's decision. I'm not sure why, but it sure seems like it's happening a lot lately--to me, to friends, to family. Almost as if it's increasing in prevalence.
I mean, if someone decides to quit their job, sell their house, go on a vacation, buy a new car, that's up to them. Why question them in such a way as to seem condescending? Saying something like "Why did you buy THAT car?" makes it sound like: "You're an idiot to have bought that specific car. Dummy." If what you ask, instead, is something like "Oh, that's interesting, I'm not familiar with that car, can you tell me more about it?" says: "I'm interested in knowing more about your decision, not judging you for your decision."
It seems to me that asking these sorts of questions, questions that may potentially help you in making a similar decision (such as you're in the market for a new car as well) are nice, friendly, fellowship-building, even potentially helpful. If my just having bought a specific car makes you think about your own car needs, I'm happy to share with you about why I bought what I did (a 2012 Mazda5, for the record). But, if you're going to grill me about it and then leave having decided I made the wrong choice, well, I'd rather not chat with you about it. I don't need any judgement from you, thank you very much. And besides, who bought the car: you or me?
And if I start out telling you that I just got a new car by prefacing it with the fact that I've been crying for a week because I'm going to miss my old one, and the reasons why I'm going to miss it, but that I'm excited because the new car has x, y, z, well... shouldn't your response be something like "Yes, I see that it has x, and it seems perfect for you! I'm happy you're happy." I emailed our family about our new car, and the best response was my SIL's. Simple and sweet: "Happy for you. :-)" That's all I wanted to hear. I want people in my life to be happy that I am happy. (And, if the occasion should ever present itself, to mourn when I mourn.) I'm making decisions within my family for my family, not yours. If it's not what you would do, then, well, good. Don't do it. Doesn't matter to me what you do within/for your family.
And if my husband and I decide to take a particular vacation and you say: "Why are you going on THAT vacation?" ... well, again, it screams judgement. How about something like "Tell me why you decided on that particular vacation."? I'll then be under the assumption that you're interested in knowing more about me, my decision, my family than about deciding for yourself whether you think it's the right choice for me. I welcome opportunities to get to know one another better, but let's be respectful while we're at it! Because, whose vacation is it: yours or mine?
Lastly, if you're close enough to be on the 'need to know' list, then you probably already know why they chose to do/have done/are whatever it is you're questioning them about. Why feel the need to ask them detailed questions? Is it any of your business? Some things can be seriously sensitive subjects, so let's respect each other and not ask a million questions about it. Be happy that they're happy. You questioning why they're going on a vacation, or how many kids they do or don't have seems incredibly rude to me. Why do you care where I go on vacation!? What if someone's infertile, and their hearts have been breaking for years over this issue? You off-handly asking "So, when ya gonna have kids?" might just be a dagger to their heart! I have a friend who'd I'd like to ask this particular question, but I bite my tongue literally every time I see her, because how do I know she's not been trying for forever? Last thing I need to do is make it worse. And besides, it's her family, not mine. I'm happy if they're happy.
As most people know, Austin was our awesome accident. Awesome, yet an accident. We couldn't love him more or love our new life more, but when we first found out, "Congrats!!!" was NOT the word we wanted to hear. I had one person ask how long we'd been trying. I responded we weren't. "Oh, not trying, but not NOT trying, right?" I then decided to prove a point by going into detail about how we were in fact still preventing, but that our chosen method of prevention failed. I'm not sure my point was made, but I felt like shouting at this person! If you don't know me well enough to know the particulars going on in my life, then why do you feel like you have the right to ask me about the details? And then to show judgment about that? Seriously. Do we need to go back to "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." combined with "Think before you speak." combined with "It's none of your beeswax."?
I'm not saying I have it all figured out or do this 'right.' I mean, I have thought about the correct way to respond to someone when they announce they're pregnant (given my own experience I've decided Congrats! isn't the way for me), and I still lack a solution that seems 'good enough.' A good friend responded "REALLY!?" when we told her, and this spoke volumes, and is probably the response I remember the most because it conveyed that she was sensitive to our situation (knowing we probably weren't all that happy about it. we weren't), and that she was shocked and excited and in the moment with us. It might have seemed rude to outsiders, but it was perfect for me. Exactly what I needed to hear. One person responded "Ok, so what are you experiencing right this minute?" Also perfect. I think the answer to the question I've been asking myself is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. If you don't know the person well enough to know how they want you to respond to their news (vacation, new car, baby, etc), then what makes you think it's ok to ask a million questions about it? Why not just simply smile and tell them that you're happy if they're happy?
I mean, if someone decides to quit their job, sell their house, go on a vacation, buy a new car, that's up to them. Why question them in such a way as to seem condescending? Saying something like "Why did you buy THAT car?" makes it sound like: "You're an idiot to have bought that specific car. Dummy." If what you ask, instead, is something like "Oh, that's interesting, I'm not familiar with that car, can you tell me more about it?" says: "I'm interested in knowing more about your decision, not judging you for your decision."
It seems to me that asking these sorts of questions, questions that may potentially help you in making a similar decision (such as you're in the market for a new car as well) are nice, friendly, fellowship-building, even potentially helpful. If my just having bought a specific car makes you think about your own car needs, I'm happy to share with you about why I bought what I did (a 2012 Mazda5, for the record). But, if you're going to grill me about it and then leave having decided I made the wrong choice, well, I'd rather not chat with you about it. I don't need any judgement from you, thank you very much. And besides, who bought the car: you or me?
And if I start out telling you that I just got a new car by prefacing it with the fact that I've been crying for a week because I'm going to miss my old one, and the reasons why I'm going to miss it, but that I'm excited because the new car has x, y, z, well... shouldn't your response be something like "Yes, I see that it has x, and it seems perfect for you! I'm happy you're happy." I emailed our family about our new car, and the best response was my SIL's. Simple and sweet: "Happy for you. :-)" That's all I wanted to hear. I want people in my life to be happy that I am happy. (And, if the occasion should ever present itself, to mourn when I mourn.) I'm making decisions within my family for my family, not yours. If it's not what you would do, then, well, good. Don't do it. Doesn't matter to me what you do within/for your family.
And if my husband and I decide to take a particular vacation and you say: "Why are you going on THAT vacation?" ... well, again, it screams judgement. How about something like "Tell me why you decided on that particular vacation."? I'll then be under the assumption that you're interested in knowing more about me, my decision, my family than about deciding for yourself whether you think it's the right choice for me. I welcome opportunities to get to know one another better, but let's be respectful while we're at it! Because, whose vacation is it: yours or mine?
Lastly, if you're close enough to be on the 'need to know' list, then you probably already know why they chose to do/have done/are whatever it is you're questioning them about. Why feel the need to ask them detailed questions? Is it any of your business? Some things can be seriously sensitive subjects, so let's respect each other and not ask a million questions about it. Be happy that they're happy. You questioning why they're going on a vacation, or how many kids they do or don't have seems incredibly rude to me. Why do you care where I go on vacation!? What if someone's infertile, and their hearts have been breaking for years over this issue? You off-handly asking "So, when ya gonna have kids?" might just be a dagger to their heart! I have a friend who'd I'd like to ask this particular question, but I bite my tongue literally every time I see her, because how do I know she's not been trying for forever? Last thing I need to do is make it worse. And besides, it's her family, not mine. I'm happy if they're happy.
As most people know, Austin was our awesome accident. Awesome, yet an accident. We couldn't love him more or love our new life more, but when we first found out, "Congrats!!!" was NOT the word we wanted to hear. I had one person ask how long we'd been trying. I responded we weren't. "Oh, not trying, but not NOT trying, right?" I then decided to prove a point by going into detail about how we were in fact still preventing, but that our chosen method of prevention failed. I'm not sure my point was made, but I felt like shouting at this person! If you don't know me well enough to know the particulars going on in my life, then why do you feel like you have the right to ask me about the details? And then to show judgment about that? Seriously. Do we need to go back to "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." combined with "Think before you speak." combined with "It's none of your beeswax."?
I'm not saying I have it all figured out or do this 'right.' I mean, I have thought about the correct way to respond to someone when they announce they're pregnant (given my own experience I've decided Congrats! isn't the way for me), and I still lack a solution that seems 'good enough.' A good friend responded "REALLY!?" when we told her, and this spoke volumes, and is probably the response I remember the most because it conveyed that she was sensitive to our situation (knowing we probably weren't all that happy about it. we weren't), and that she was shocked and excited and in the moment with us. It might have seemed rude to outsiders, but it was perfect for me. Exactly what I needed to hear. One person responded "Ok, so what are you experiencing right this minute?" Also perfect. I think the answer to the question I've been asking myself is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. If you don't know the person well enough to know how they want you to respond to their news (vacation, new car, baby, etc), then what makes you think it's ok to ask a million questions about it? Why not just simply smile and tell them that you're happy if they're happy?
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| The old me. The new me. |
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